CHRISTMAS TIME IS KILLING US!
by The Cowardly Christian
Summary: major AU of the Christmas episode. Phineas and the gang go to the north pole...and things just go downhill from there. WARNING: dark!


CHRISTMAS TIME IS KILLING US!

I REGRET AND OWN NOTHING!

…...

Phineas was very disconcerted. When he and his friends came to find out why santa put them

on the naughty list...they'd been expecting a lot of things...but they hadn't been expecting this!

They expected gumdrops and candy canes, instead they found factories and pollution...

They expected a fat and jolly st. nick instead they found a thin, sickly, withered old man...

And when they told him about the mistake, they expected leaping for joy at the idea of more

nice kids and inviting them in for cookies...instead..."Wait you knew it was a mistake!?"

shouted a surprised and horrified Phineas. "Of course I knew it was a mistake! But as long as

no one brought it to my attention, I could look the other way, the ancient laws wouldn't force

me to go to your town, and I'd have one less town to worry about!" "Wait...you don't like

delivering gifts?" asked a confused baljeet. Santa sneered and rolled his eyes. "Oh, of course I

do. Who doesn't love delivering a million gifts to a billion people all in one night?" said santa

sarcastically. "Huh, when he puts it like that it dose seem unpleasant." Said bufford

thoughtfully. "B-but your santa...aren't you suppose to be happy and jolly?" Asked a confused

and slightly horrified phineas. Santa let out a sad sigh. "I used to be, a long time ago. I made

toys for little boys and girls. I loved my work, and they loved me. But it just got out of hand.

The world's population kept growing and growing. Kids wanted more toys, fancier toys!

We used to make wooden choo-choos and rag dolls. You ever try to make an iPod?! I've got

orders for millions of 'em!" Everyone suddenly turned to look at candace who was currently

fiddling with her iPod. Suddenly feeling awkward and ashamed, she slowly put it away...

Santa shook his head in disgust as he gestured to his factories. "Look at the toxic waste we're

producing. In fact, I think the toxins are taking even more of a toll than the inbreeding. I-

inbreeding?" Cautiously asked a very frightened Isabella. Santa threw open the doors "Take a

look!" Shouted santa. The group gazed in horror as a group of hideously deformed elves did

back-breaking labor that even sweatshops would consider cruel. Santa lead them further inside.

"I started with one family of magic elves, and every year I needed more and more to keep up.

Now they're just a sickly race of mutated genetic disasters. At least 60% of them are born blind.

The workload destroys them, but they don't know anything else. It's gotten so bad their instincts

take over, and near the end, they just walk out into the snow and die." Said santa as the group

watched in disgust and disbelief as one elf did just that. Before anyone could move to help him-

A herd of reindeer jumped from the darkness and ripped the elf to pieces. Several of the kids

began to vomit. All the while Santa continued his tale- "Then the reindeer eat them, which has

turned the reindeer into wild, feral creatures with a blood-lust for elf flesh. I don't even pray for

them anymore. Seems pointless. What God would allow this? B-but this is in none of the

poetry and songs!" shouted the devastated phineas. Phineas then turned to santa. How could

you let this happen?! Me?! Shouted an outraged santa. I didn't do this! Christmas did!

…...

**(DRAMTIC MUSIC STARTS)**

**Each bell would peal with a silvery zeal as the holiday feeling was filling us!  
But now instead, all we are feeling is dread,  
Because Christmas Time is Killing Us!  
Each Christmas List gets us more and more pissed,  
Until the thought of existence is chilling us  
I'll tell you what, shove your list up your butt!  
Because Christmas Time is Killing Us!**

Phineas desperately tries to save the situation, by getting into the song.

**But can't you see that all you do, is a dream come true?  
Can't you see that every smile makes it all worth while?**

**No, screw you, it's all but through, there's too much to do!  
All those dreams are nightmares, and blank icy stairs!  
Each little elf used to fill up a shelf making playthings and selflessly thrilling us  
Now they're on crack and it feels like Iraq  
Because Christmas Time is Killing Us!  
Each model train only heightens the pain of the workload that's straining and drilling us  
Fingers all bleed, and look that guy just peed  
Because Christmas Time is Killing Us!**

Once more phineas enters the song with the hope of brightening the situation

**But can't you see from our point of view? We rely on you!  
Can't you see that Christmas cheer, gets us through the year? **

**My whole crew is black and blue, can't you take a clue?  
You may think I look great, but I'm 28!  
Each jingle bell is a requiem knell,  
And while you think it's swell we are toiling in hell!  
Take a look, you can tell, as a man, I'm a shell  
Because Christmas Time is Killing Us!  
KILLING US!  
BECAUSE CHRISTMAS TIME IS KILLING US!**

…**...**

with the song finished. Santa then coughs up a galleon of blood, collapses, and is rushed to the infirmary stage right.

…...

TO BE CONTINUED?

**AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't. **

**But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?**

**also, could someone contact the deviant artist Markmak or show me how to contact him? I'd like to talk to him, but the computer won't let me comment on my deviantart account.**

**Also don't forget to give a shout out to my mom's birthday story on my page!**

**Love me, flame me, review me, and have a merry easter!**


End file.
